Oh what a night

So it was the much beloved Emma Chandlers birthday on Friday and despite having a great time, I can barely remember it. Funnily the photos that I appear to have taken of it barely seem to remember it either...so I'm going to 'improvise' the story they tell"Hello and welcome to the Chancellors birthday bash. I am your host Boggly Eyed Man, and this is my sidekick VeryShortButStandingOnAChair Girl. We hope you have very nice time this evening" Said Boggly Eyed Man
"Yes I hope you do. Now bugger off, me and Boggly Eyed Man have to get it on, and I can't do that whilst standing on a chair now can I?" said VeryShortButStandingOnAChair Girl
"But wait, what do they call you when you're not standing on a chair VeryShortButStandingOnAChair Girl?" I naively asked
"Lisa" She replied
So I gave Lisa a hug and all was well. I soon convinced her that Boggly Eyed Man wasn't the guy for her and she repented her previous love and wandered off in look of booze and the Chancellor.
Meanwhile someone had glued Joe's tongue to his chin, and after trying to pull it off I had accidentally stuck my hand to my chin also. We were in dire straights but eventually we convinced the DJ to let us use his decks as a kind of make-shift saw and cut my hand free, and Joe's tongue ... off
Which he clearly wasn't too pleased about. Still it meant that I could spend a couple quiet minutes talking about myself in an animated fashion. Which was nice. Joe left after a while to find a deaf lady who would complete him now he was mute, so I continued my tirade of self approval to Scott.
Who it turns out wasn't that interested. I let him sleep though as it was just nice to have someone to talk to who hadn't been paying attention to the whole turntable blood bath that I had convinced Joe to take part in. Saul on the other hand had seen the whole thing and couldn't stop smiling about it.
"Dude, that was awesome. I never knew you could spin a record so fast. And when Joe's tongue just went flying into the crowd that was the grossest thing ever. Dave said he saw it fly into someones drink. That is fucked up man, just imagine eating a tongue by accident!"
"Actually" Lydia chirped up "Human tongue is quite delicious. Scott cooked me some while we were in South Africa. Didn't you darling? Scott? Scott? Wake up!" But alas, I had bored the poor man into a coma. At least now I could steal his beer.
"Hey fella" said Glenn at the crucial moment of my booze theft "You'll never believe what just happened".
"A tongue landed in your drink" Saul said and laughed heartily
"How the fuck did you know that?" He asked Saul but he was laughing so much by now that he was hiccuping and no good to anyone.
"Can I...err see it" I asked quietly thinking that perhaps it would be best if I gave Joe his tongue back. For his birthday or Christmas or something.
"Nah mate sorry, it's always been a Devine family tradition that we eat all tongues we find. It's for good luck with the....
"Was it nice?" Lydia swiftly interrupted, looking to prove a point that she hadn't really made
"No" said Glenn. "It was fucking disgusting". Lydia was sad as not only was she wrong, but also as Scott's hand seemed to be dissolving slightly in his sleep.
"And a bit halluuuuciiiiinaaaaageeeeniiiic.... I thiiiiiiink...." Said Glenn as he started massaging the table. "I feel alllllllllllllll blluuuuuuurrrrrryyyyyy"
"HALLUCINGENS" Scott said as he snapped awake. "What the fuck happened to my hand?", he said as he quickly hid it under the table. Lydia looked pleased as a plum that her man was finally awake again. And that we were leaving. Little did she know that I had glued his other hand to his ear while he was sleeping. For safe keeping and that.
And that was the end of our wonderful evening. I went home and was apparently very drunk and happy, as is demonstrated by this photo taken by Kathy.
Of course in the morning I wasn't so drunk or happy. In fact I was so hungover that I needed to wear sunglasses. Indoors.
But at least the nice bacon people had decided that today was indeed the day to screw all the rules and fill my belly with pork goodness with a ridiculous offer.

The end.
PS Happy Birthday Emma!

Happy Happy Sad

If you could read tea leafs you would see that this means I'm happy. And perhaps slightly evil...

If you look very carefully, you can see a smiley face randomly made from hair on my bathroom floor

This building reminds me of Freddy's tattoo

Something old, something new, something fucked...

This is me after my first ever actual (illegal in a warehouse) rave.

This is me just before my first ever ("Fuck it, I need a..") pint on my own

This was funny at 4:30am on Jims birthday

A guy comes over from America to visit London and see the sights. He arrives on a Friday night, so it doesn’t take him long to realise that to experience British culture he really needs to experience British beverages. So he goes to a bar and has a couple London Prides, chases them down with a couple scotch whiskeys. He carries on and drinks a couple Guinness’, a couple ales and a couple bitters. He even has a few ciders.

Unaware of our drinking customs, when closing time comes it hits him as a total surprise and he stumbles out into the street not sure what to do next. He tries to go into a couple clubs but is refused due to his massively drunk state. After a while he realises that his biggest worry isn’t where he is going to go next, but where he is going to pee. He looks and looks and can’t find a public urinal, or even someplace quiet and secluded. He finally gives up and just stops and pees against the wall he is nearest to.

“Ahhhhhhhh” he says as he starts to go. He is interrupted almost immediately however by a firm tap on the shoulder.

“Excuse me sir, what do you think you are doing” a rather large policeman says to him. The American tries his hardest and stops what he is doing and zips up his flies. He explains the best he can in his state that he is on holiday and he has been caught short and that he is really sorry etc etc.

Suprisingly the policeman takes pity on the man and tells him that he too has been caught short on holiday and a friendly policeman took pity on him too. So he tells the American to follow him, takes him round the corner, unlocks a gate and lets the yanky in. “Go ahead son, pee here all you like”.

The American is astounded, he has been led to a beautiful garden filled with perfectly cut grass and an array of every beautiful flower under the sun. He pees and pees and pees, covering everything in sight, and when he is finally done he turns and asks the policeman “What is this place? Paradise?”

The policeman replies with a smile “Nah mate, it’s the French embassy”