Project Christmas

So it turns out that I used to have Rampart on the Atari when I was young. That’s strange isn’t it? Well it’s not strange to you because you don’t know what I’m talking about, but it’s pretty fucking disturbing to me. See Rampart is this old school computer game, and i been playing it on one of those retro game compilations recently. But when we started playing it, I was like “Rampart hmmm….. that sounds familiar but I never played it”. And so we started playing and even though I had to work out what it was about and how to play, I seemed to have a natural aptitude at it. I thought maybe it was just my unnatural computer games skills kicking ass on my behalf again, but no, apparently I had it when I was about 6 and played it a lot. I don’t remember it, but that’s fucking strange.

Apparently when you are 6 years old your brain is like a sponge. You can be taught intense amounts of shit and learn new skills in a way that really makes me now feel like a moron for talking to that little Microsoft paperclip bitch. This means that whatever you were doing when you were six is imprinted intensely on your personality, because whatever you did mainly is what you’ll be good at. I was kind of hoping to find out that I had been studying kung fu or some useful motherfucking banking skills at least. But no, I was playing computer games which are now obsolete. Woo.

If I did have a residual skill though, I wonder what it would be like to use it. I mean, I have a really incredibly bad memory formed through prolonged excess, so I can’t really remember Christmas without thinking hard and long about presents. It follows that my memories of being 6 have been pretty much wiped clean, so if I retained a skill then it would be out of the blue. Like that piano bastard. If he had drawn a picture of some drugs and some women, would they have brought him those things? Or at least a piano and some cigarettes. Though I suppose you can’t really play the piano while smoking. Hmm…yes, that’s what’s strange about that story, the lack of cigarettes.

I bought my first 10 pack in years today. Such a motherfucking waste of money and packaging. If it was up to me I would only allow sets of 100 to be sold and they’d be wrapped in an elastic band with a lighter. And none of those motherfucking health warnings. I mean, fair enough, it probably does save some dumb fuckers lives by informing them of the dangers of what they’re doing, but mainly it just pisses us addicts off. I mean, especially the one about ‘cigarettes containing other things than tobacco such as arsenic and plutonium and shit’. If those things are so bad for us, then don’t let that Marlboro bastard put them in. It’s as if in Super size me McDonalds had said “ok, this shit isn’t healthy, we admit it, we put poisonous shit in our food” and then just putting a warning on the boxes.

Damnit I want a Quarter Pounder with cheese now. And a cigarette.