Drinker's Remorse

I'm a poison
That creeps under your skin
I'm a rot
That start's when you begin
I'm a darkness
That wells up deep inside
I'm a fear
From which you cannot hide

I'm a sickness
That's breaking you down
I'm a disease
That's making you drown
I'm a hunger
That makes you want bad
I'm a need
That destroys all you had

I need help
But more than you can give
I need hope
That someday you can forgive
I need life
To give me a fucking break
I need last night
To not be a mistake

A series of jokes written for Giants that only they would understand

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Giant are all standing around talking about Quantum Physics. The Englishman says "Once Cern is working properly, everything will change". Just then a plane flies past and distracts the Giant, and when he turns back to continue the discussion, he realises he is all alone.

Two Giants walk into a pub. The first one says to the Bartender "Where've you gone then?"

A Giant goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Doctor, I feel like I've accidentally crushed to death everyone I've ever known or loved". The Doctor says nothing.

"Knock Knock"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH"

This years New Year's resolutions are gonna be sweet

Hot diggity, it's almost the new year. I would say that this year has flown by, but really it's this decade that's disappeared down the toilet without time to regret the flush. I remember the Millenium New Years like it was yesterday. Or last year at least. But not 10 years ago, no fucking way.

Anyway I digress and as I have an important announcement to make, I gotta stick to my point, so listen up motherfuckers. From next year until 2013, there are no consequences to your actions. No-one will remember them, no-one will talk about them, they essentially won't exist and by implication will never have happened. You know why? Because this decade was the noughties, and soon we'll be in the teens of this new millennium, but we don't have a word for 10-12 years old (and don't say tweens, as the Tweenies has blurred that definition well past being salvageable). And if you can't describe it, you can't talk about it.

So when we reminisce in years to come about life at the dawn of the third and final millennium we'll all be like "Remember the noughties! Ahh weren't they exciting times. Shame they ended in the recession, but that nationwide jumble sale at the end of '09 really sorted that out. And then the Teens! Remember the day Obama challenged Palin to a cage match and whopped her silly? Or when Ussain Bolt hit 8ft 6' and finally admitted to eating those magic beans? That shit was awesome". See no mention of 2010-2012 at all.

Get ready for some motherfucking, totally awesome complete historical anonymity. I'm sure there will be times for us all in the coming few years when you think "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, maybe someone will remember and call me up on it later", but don't heed those times. I'm telling you, we're free from all responsibility for the foreseeable future. Start tunneling into your neighbors house and annexing rooms while they sleep. Start releasing hamsters into the sewers in massive numbers so they overtake rats as the rodent of this millennium. Get morbidly obese or anorexically skinny and blame it on organic food. Say "Hot diggity" at the beginning and end of everything you say. Wear a blind fold and walk around with your hands out feeling your way into dangerous and regrettable situations. But have no regrets! As soon enough, you won't remember when or even if you did all these things you would otherwise be ashamed of.

We're finally free, hot diggity!

I Fucking Love It

So for once the public seems outraged in the right direction. The army is telling the BNP to fuck off and stop damaging their image, the equality commission is making the BNP make membership open to anyone of any race, and Gordon Brown is saying he could take them in a fight (verbal of course). On top of that, people are jumping on the bandwagon to call the Daily Mail (or at least one of it's top bitches) homophobic because of some shite she wrote. There is even a goddamn petition that people are signing, apparently without having read the article. Hoo ra.

I don't think I can remember another time when the people being backed into a corner by the press were scum. It's always "the BBC did this" or "Labour did that". For once, for one beautiful moment (now), the BNP and the Daily Mail are taking flak. Fuck yeah. Nice one media bastards, you kick some ass.

Now all we need is for someone to come out with proof and a causal theory that says that all BNP members read the Daily Mail and we can finally shit all over them as one. And oh what a wonderful day that will be.

Bees - can't live without them, can't stop them dying. Stupid bastards

The one thing
You will never see
Is compassion in the heart
Of a bumblebee

Flying furballs
Defying science
Buzzing around
Filled wtih defiance

No better than
Bees with no bumble
But still more proud
And a lot less humble

Black-yellow-black
Stripey stupid lines
Accidental freaks of nature
So ill defined

Impossible choices

You get on a bus and go upstairs. At the front of the bus on the left there is an old man who's turned the seats into a stall selling ice-cream and lemonade for buttons and bottle tops. He has a policy that if you high-five him you get two for the price of one. At the back of the bus is a man who has brought three sheep on board with him. The one in the middle is wearing a straw hat, and the ones on either side are eating it.

Where do you sit on the bus?

I say, I say, I say

Q: Who could possibly hate Kevin Bacon?

A: Pig farmers. He distracts from the central bacon agenda.