DD's Appearances on The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno

Well folks, here they are.  I hope you enjoy them.  They don't have the 
same effect but anything to hear DD...

{May appearance, the week after hosting Saturday Night Live.
First guest is actor James Woods who'll be sitting next to DD on the couch.}

Jay Leno:  My next guest plays FBI Agent Fox Mulder on the scariest 
series around, the hugely popular "X-Files." Please welcome David Duchovny.
(Audience wildly applauds and screams.  DD seats himself as women are 
screaming and hollering.  As he sits, he hands James Woods some money.)

JL: What a difference a decent haircut makes, it's unbelievable.          
(in reference to James Woods' buzz haircut compared to DD's)

David Duchovny:  Actually, I just paid him for NOT doing my hair.
(female audience members are chanting "David.")

JL: Congratualtions on all your success.  Now, you were just in New York?

DD: Yes, I was in New York.  Actually, I was visiting my mother.  She 
told me not to tlak about her on the show.  So...sorry. (Laughter)  But my
mother, she...whenever I do a show, she  uh, she wants to know if uh, I 
get killed or if I get naked.  (at the word "naked" audience starts 
screaming)

JL: She won't watch?

DD: She won't watch if I get killed or if I get naked.  

JL: Well, you've been in a lot of movies...

DD: ...so if I'm ever killed naked I'm in trouble with my mother. 
(Racuous laughter from audience)

JL: Well, you know, I used to wonder about this because I used to watch 
you in "Twin Peaks" and I enjoyed it.  (Audience applause in appreciation)

DD:  Did you enjoy it?    

JL: Yes, I did.  Tell me if you uh...well you remember, you played the 
cross-dressing detective.

DD:  I have no recollection of that.

JL: Oh really?  I happen to have--David Lynch is a friend--he sent me a 
piece of tape.  Take a look.

DD: I don't know what you're talking about.

**Clip of DD in drag fom "Twin Peaks" with Kyle McLaughlin as Agent Cooper.
(By the way, DD looks awesome in a dress and make-up too, who'da guessed.)
	Dennis/Denise:  Coooooop
	Agent Cooper:   Dennis?!?
	Dennis/Denise:  It's a lone story but actually, I prefer Denise if
			you don't mind.
(Audience applauds and screams, etc.)

**James Woods slides to the far end of the couch, away from DD, after 
viewing the clip.

JL: What did you're mom think?

DD: Uh, mom...she actually thought I looked thin. (Laughter)

JL: Oh really?  Did she think of you as the daughter she perhaps never had?

DD: (laughs) No, no she has a daughter.

JL: Oh, she has a daughter.  So she really doesn't need another one.  
Now, how was it wearing those, I mean, how hwas it doing those scenes?
(at this point, James Woods has moved back to his seat next to DD)

DD: Well, you don't realize this as a man.  Men get to wear pretty much 
loose fitting clothes.  Um, women are tortured; they're wearing tight bras...
(Female audience members react with support and he then raises one fist 
in the air ala Malcolm X)...you know, every actor needs a crusade.  This 
will be mine.

JL: Yeah, well, getting women out of those tight bras?  (Laughter)

DD: No, no.  I was... I was...I would end up at the end of the day with 
these wire-framed bra lines and the panties were just really painful, 
they'd just go up into areas...I'm sure you know what I'm talking about 
(to James Woods).  (Laughter)

JL: Did you ever play a woman, Jimmy?  Did you ever do that in a movie?
  
James Woods:  Uh, I...I...I really refuse to answer that question. (laughs)

DD: Well, if you notice, at least he's moved a little closer.

JW: I'm back, now that I know his bra's off.

JL: (To DD) You know, your show is hugely popular through out the world...
(Female members of the audience scream)...certainly in the back row. 
(more screaming)

DD: A friend of mine just got back from France and he watched they show 
and they dubbed it in French and my character doesn't really have any 
interest in women--on the show--but in France, he tells me that goes 
against national character.  So what they do is, that can't dub in a new 
word when my mouth is closed but when a woman walks by, you hear this, 
"Mmmmm."  (Laughter) It's completely not in the show, just in France--a 
woman walks by, "MmmHmmm."

JL: They're certainly compensating for something over there.  

DD: (continuing) "OooHoo,"  "OooAhh."

JL: Well, the kid that plays you as a child, I mean he really does look 
like you.

DD: Well, he looks like me NOW, he doesn't look like me as a kid and his 
mother came up to me to show him off to me 'cause I hadn't met him and 
she goes, "You know, we think you look so much like him."  I said, "Well, 
he doesn't actually look so much like me." and she said, "And since he's 
done the part, his nose has grown."  (laughter)  And I said, "Thank you 
very much and keep me posted on all his other appendages as they grow."
(More laughter)

JL: Let me ask you, this is a personal question.

DD: Yes.

JL: Is that the same suit you had on when you did Saturday Night Live?

DD: (Feigns embarrassment) Oh, yes it is, actually.  And when your on 
Saturday Night Live, they have to change very quickly so this is a vlecro 
suit. (proceeds to tear open shirt front--audience goes berserk)  It also 
has velcro all the way down, too. (pretends to tear whole suit off--more 
screaming)  Is this velcro? (To JW)

JW: No, mine's not, but it says Warner Bros. inside so that's a good sign.

JL: Did you like doing that?  Did you like doing a live show?

DD: It's a lot of fun and you're doing it completely live.  I mean, unlke 
this, if I came out and I was so nervous and threw up, I would think that 
you'd edit it out, or at least never invite me back, or something like 
that.  But at Saturday Night Live, there's a five second delay so right 
before you go, you look at your body, you hands, and go, you know, 
"Don't try anythign funny for the next hour and a half."

JL: Was it nerve-racking to do it in front of a live audience?

DD: Well, you know, you know, you kind of forget.  You kind of go quickly 
through the whole thing because you're suspicious of your body parts 
rebelling against you.

JL: 'Cause on your show I know, I notice, well obviously, they bring in a 
couple of monsters or something or aliens.  I assume when you're doing 
those scenes, that stuff's added later.

DD: Well, sometimes it is because of the nature of the schedule.  I get a 
six foot inch--a six foot intestinal worm, if you could imagine that, 
and  uh, he was strapped in a tube and I had to have a reaction shot for 
this.  There's a guy, well he was hot in the suit, so he got precedence 
over me, so he got to go home and get out of his rubber suit, and I had 
to react to an empty tube.  So, not wanting to overplay it, I kinda went 
like, "Mmmhmmm (nods head)."  And then later on, here's this SIX FOOT 
INTESTINAL worm and I see it and it the most amazing thing and there's no 
way in the world...(he re-enacts the reaction shot).  "Hey it's another 
one of thos goddamned six foot intestinal worms."  (Laughter)

JL: Do you see the intestinal worm before you shoot the shot or do they 
just say, you know, "There's gonna be an intestinal worm."?

DD: Well, if you're lucky, you get to see him, meet him, have lunch with 
him. (Laughter)

JL: The other thing I wanted to ask you about was your dog.  I read 
something about your dog likes to lick you feet, do you know what I'm 
talking about?

DD: Uh, yeah, you know, I was doing an interview on the phone once and my 
dog happened to be licking my feet just at that one time, she never did 
it again.  But this woman has written that my dog is a foot-licker now 
which is just not true.  (Laughter)  And this caused a lot of pain in my 
family.

JW: You could sue.

DD: That's right, I was thinking that.

JL: David, it was nice to meet you, please come out again and 
congratulations on the tremendous success of your program.

DD: Thank you.  (Applause)

END

{June appearance, merely a month after he was on before.}

Jay Leno: My first guest stars in the Golden Globe winning "X-Files" 
which can be seen Fridays on the Fox Network.  This is a good show, folks.
I've seen it since he's been on.  I really enjoy the show.  Please 
welcome David Duchovny.  (Wild applause and screaming as DD seats himself)
Welcome back.

David Duchovny: Thank you.  I...I...I can't thank you enough for 
describing our sahow as "Pretty Good."

JL: Oh yeah? (Laughs)

DD:  You know, when I came on the show the first time, I hadn't seen it 
very much but I;ve had a chance to view it recently and I gotta tell 'ya, 
it's pretty good.

JL: OH, thanks.  Well, thank you very much.  Well, you know it is true.  
A lot of the time you have people on and because you work the same time, 
you don't really get a chance to see their show...

DD: Right.

JL: ...and uh, I saw an episode, I only saw one episode before I had you 
on.  And then I had you on and I started watching it and now I'm hooked.  
It's very very good.

DD: All right, we gotcha. (Audience starts aplauding)

JL: No, it is, it's pretty DARN good. You know, this alien gig seems 
like a great way to meet women.  Women go nuts when you come out here.
(Women in audience scream)

DD: It's the FBI thing.  All I have to do show 'em a badge (mimics 
pulling out a badge and flashing it) and say you know, do what I want and 
they have to. (more screaming)  They are legally bound by the U.S. 
Government to do what I want.  It's a little known charter in the FBI 
handbook.

JL: A little by-lay I was not aware of.

DD: When I studied for the part I realized that.  It's odd, though.  I'd 
be out with my girlfriend wherever and you know, people will scream, as 
they do for you I'm sure.  How do you get used to it?  

JL: Well, they usually scream becuase I'm speeding past them in an 
automobile or on the sidewalk, but yeah, yeah.

DD: Well, people are screaming and of course I'll think that there's 
somebody behind me like you for instance or Elvis or whatever. (Laughter)

JL: Yeah, Elvis. (laughs)

DD: You never get used to it.

**There was a long, uncomfortable silence here**

DD: Yeah, but there's one thing you can do.  You can have a response like 
that and quell the screams completely.  (referring to pause)

JL: How 'bout your girlfriend; she's on the show as well.

DD: That's right. She played a vampire.

JL: Right, right, right, okay.

DD: Yeah, so, you know, they just saw what she was doing in real life and 
they just hired her. (Audience laughs and then shows disapproval with 
some "Oooohs."  DD grimaces and feigns a "Oh, I shouldn't have said that" 
type of look and kicks his chair with his heel)  I've gotta find 
something for her to do at 11:30 tonight so she doens't see this.

JL: Now, you grew up in the city; in New York City.

DD: I did. I did.  I grew up on 11th St. and 2nd Ave. right across from 
the St. Mark's graveyard and Cat Corner or Kitty Corner or whatever it is 
to the uh, uh, 2nd Ave. Deli.

JL: Cat Corner? (he laughs, audience laughs)

DD: Kitty Corner?  Is that like a strip club or something?

JL: Kitty Corner would be a small corner and Cat Corner would be a big 
corner.

DD: Oh, okay.  It' New York...

JL: Weren't you an English teacher once?

DD: Don't bring that up.

JL: You were an English teacher.

DD: It's New York, it's a big Cat Corner.

JL: It's a big Cat Corner (ala Jerry Seinfeld).

DD: Alright, 2nd Ave. Deli is here, you can get a roast beef sandwich and 
here you have a lot of dead dtuch people across the street.

JL: (Laughs) Oh, the cemetary.

DD: We used to play baseball except the gravestones were flat, they 
weren't the kind that stick up.  And since we didn't have 
bases...(Audience makes disgusted "Ugh" and "Eww" sounds)..it's the only 
place we could play in the city.  (Audience makes more disgusted noises 
and Jay's laughing hard)  No, we did.  And we didn't call it 1st base, 
2nd base, 3rd base.  It was like, "Safe at Bvorsch, " you know, "Out at 
Steiveson," you know.  "He's rounding Steiveson, he's going to Van Dyke, 
he slides into Van Dyke.  He's safe! He's safe! He's in there!"  So once 
you made it into Van Dyke a sacrifice fly can pull you safely into
Van Hueson (Audience laughs hysterically).

JL: So are you having a good summer now?

DD: It just made it hard for me to pay attention when I saw real 
baseball.  You know, "What are you guys talking about, 1st base, 2nd base?"
It's a good summer, yeah.  You know we went to see the "Batman" premiere.

JL: Oh yeah?  How was that?  Was that exciting?

DD: Yeah, it was exciting except, you know, before you got a premiere as 
I'm sure you know, they'd ask, you know, "Are you looking forward to 
seeing the show?"  "Who made you're suit?" You know, you say, "Armani."  
THen you get to go in and see the movie for free.  Now, now they ask you 
like current event questions before they let you go in to see the movie 
for free.  It's like, "Who made your suit?"  "Armani."  Uh, "What would 
you do to help Clinton get the Health Care Plan passed?" (Long pause, 
then sheepishly...) "Armani."  (Laughter)  It's like, it's like, I 
didn't study hard enough to come to this premiere.  They sent me away, I 
haven't seen "Batman" yet because I couldn't balance the budget.  (Laughter)
I'm pretty pissed off about that.

JL: You know, they really do get goofy about that.  They'll like ask the 
silliest questions like, "What's the most embarrassing incident?" and 
then, "What do you think about Bosnia?"

DD: Yeah! Right.  It's like, "Oh, I had my pants down and everyone was 
looking." and "I'd go in there.  Thank you."  You know, it's like people 
think that actors or celebrities have something interesting to say about 
actual events and it's JUST not the case.  (Laughter)

JL: When you're doing "X-Files," is that a fun show to do because it 
seems very intense these scenes...(Jay mimics trying to look through lot 
of fog) and (he mimics spying by moving his eyes from side to side, 
exaggerating).

DD: You have seen the show.

JL: Yes, it's always (Does the mimicking again).  It's like talking to 
Jack Webb a lot. 

DD: Yes, it is.  But, you know, you always laugh in the places where 
you're not supposed to like you'll laugh at church or laugh at the 
library.  So, sometimes, we'll get a little giddy.  We were working on 
the show with John Savage where we aged to like 90 years old in a couple 
of days.  So, it's obviously a tense situation.  I mean, if that's ever 
happened to anybody (laughter), you know, aging to 90 in a couple of days.
If you would imagine that situation and John Savage had, he was playing 
like a Norwegian guy who kept coming back to this word.  And he had, he 
had a line which was like, he was yelling at a guy abd he said, "B'LEAVER!"
And for some reason, it struck Gillian and I as the funniest thing.  You 
know he kept on saying, " (gibberish, gibberish) "B'LEAVER!" (Laughter)
And we kept cracking up every time.  We were supposed to be huddled in a 
corner, dying of old age at the age of 30 and everytime he'd say "B'LEAVER!"
we'd go...(makes a face about to burst from trying not to laugh).  And se 
we started saying, "leave it to B'leaver."

**At this point, the band plays the theme song from "Leave it to Beaver" 
and the guy who played young Beaver comes out on stage.  He asks if they 
call for him and Jay says, "No, he said 'B'Leaver' not 'Beaver'."  He 
leaves the stage**

JL: He though you said, "Beaver."

DD: I know.  Well, all I could say is that I'm glad that the B'Leaver 
sahved 'cause I like a shaved B'Leaver.

JL: Now, you brought a clip, what is the clip?

DD: Uhm, well, again, it's hard for people to understand all the hardwork 
that goes into the show. It's a very tense set.  It's like, everybody's 
gotta fire all at once; everybody's gotta do it perfect.  So I brought a 
clip that showed everybody working together and doing it right.  I'm 
petty proud of it so...

JL: Let's take a look.  I have no idea what this is.  From "The X-Files"...

**The infamous blooper clips commence.  I'll try to describe them as best 
as I can)**

Clip 1:  Mulder and Scully are in a car.  Mulder starts the engine and 
puts it into drive.  The car slowly pulls forward and suddenly jerks to a 
halt as you simultaneously hear a screech that sounds like a cat that's 
been run over.  (Joke by the crew)  DD and GA crack up and look up at the 
crew.

Clip 2: (Scene from "Die Hand Die Verletzt") Mulder walks up to the 
school drinkning fountain in the hallway as Scully is walking behind 
him.  As Mulder presses the handle down, the fountain spouts water 
raggedly and then it spits out a long, high one that nails DD in the face 
unexpectedly.  GA cracks up and automatically turns away to go back down 
the hall to do it again and DD spits out the water and cracks up as well 
and follows GA back down the hall.

Clip 3: (scene from "Excelsis Dei")  DD is wading around in the water 
(with only his head bobbing above it) that has flooded the hallway as teh 
cast and cre watch knee deep in the murky water.  The sound of a barking 
seal is heard in the background.  DD comments, "THis is my hot tub in my 
trailer.  I have a big star contract."

Clip 4: (Scene from "One Breath")  A practical joke.  DD gives a 
mischievous and sly looking smile at the camera then turns to GA (who is 
lying on a hopsital bed, supposedly hooked up to the machines, still 
acting "comatose") and grabs what looks to be her nipples and tweeks them 
about 90 degrees.  GA pops up, her eyes bulging, he lets go, and she 
drops back down on the bed like a brick.  

Clip 5: (scene from "Ascension") Skinner, Mulder, and Krycek are looking 
on as Duane Barry is choking to death.  Then Mitch Pileggi, DD, and 
Nicholas Lea cover their ears, eyes, and mouth repectively, doing a 
classic take on hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

End of clips.

(Jay is laughing hard.  DD makes like he's going to tweek Jay's nippled 
as well.)

JL: No, really, no thank you.

DD: That's uh...

JL: That's "The X-Files" on Friday nights on...

DD: Actually that's a uh, medical procedure.  She was in a coma.

JL: Really?

DD: And I saved her.

JL: Well, that brought her out of it, I'll tell you that.  David, 
congratulations on your success.

DD: Thanks a lot.

JL: (To Audience) David Duchovny.

End

Well, I hope you enjoyed it.  I have other recordings of interviews with 
DD and GA but transcribing them and then typing them are a pain in the butt!!
 
Bye bye all done

JEN
X-Phile Extraordinaire and 
Duchovnik by Choice